one-line jokes

here's a topic just to get some more traffic here, and maybe brighten your day too. Everybody put up a silly, one-line joke - I'll start.

A skeleton walks into a bar; he asks for a beer and a mop.

sorry i don't know any one line joke but i have a few good jokes in my email box.....
here one

READING A BOOK
______________

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

kateM wrote:here's a topic just to get some more traffic here, and maybe brighten your day too. Everybody put up a silly, one-line joke - I'll start.

A skeleton walks into a bar; he asks for a beer and a mop.

Actually, I didn't get it immediately, I used a dictionary...
2 new words today !

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was,

"Where's my Rolex!!!!!"

Montana Bear in a Bar


A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a "barbitchyouate."

>> Choosing a wife
>>>>
>> A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
>> three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
>> watches to see what they do with the money.
>>
>> The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
>> gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and
>> dresses up ve ry nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
>> this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
>>
>> The man was impressed.
>>
>> The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
>> of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
>> clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
>> all the money on him beca use sh e loves him so much.
>>
>> Again, the man is impressed.
>>
>> The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
>> times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the
>> remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
>> their future because she love s him so much.
>>
>> Obviously, the man was impressed.
>>
>> The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
>> the money he'd given her.
>>
>> Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
>>
>>
>> Men are like that, you know

It's not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what's required.

Sir Winston Churchill

Panda Joke

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"
"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and reads:
Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

a few quotes from winston churchill


“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

“Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

what's invisible and smells like bananas?

I'll post the answer tomorrow

I spent the whole day thinking of it

So Kate ?

it is true......i didn't sleep...thinking abt it/....... i want the answer now!!!!

catherine

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed”



Einstein

monkey farts! 33

kateM wrote:monkey farts! 33

A new word for me... I used Google seraching engine, here is what I found with "Monkey farts"

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.


Woody Allen

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.


Socrates

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.


Ilie Nastase

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man will forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Thanks Radka, that was funny...Will you tell some more at the picnic ?

I don't know if you have to be a knitter to get this..

A police officer spotted a car speeding and swerving slightly. He pulled behind it and activated his lights. But the driver didn’t respond. So the officer pulled alongside the car. He was astounded to see that the driver was knitting. The officer lowered his window and yelled, “Pull over!” “No,” the driver hollered. “Scarf.”

Very funny!!!

What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws?




A: Outlaws are Wanted!!

In Heaven:
The French are the chefs,
the Italians are the lovers,
the Swiss are the bankers,
the Germans are the mechanics,
and the British are the police.

In Hell:
The British are the chefs,
the Swiss are the lovers,
the Italians are the bankers,
the French are the mechanics,
and the Germans are the police.