political jokes...

Lessons in Political Science

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM,

AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY,

AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.

Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.

The cow is schizophrenic.

Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.

The cow asks permission to be cut in half.

The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegal.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

another one received from one of our venerable members....

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
change! The chicken wanted change!



JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road... ZZZZZzzzzzzzz z



SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY
LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA !




HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that
little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely
qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country
gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.



GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The
chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.



DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?



COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.



BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chick. What is your
definition of crossing?



AL GORE: I invented the chicken.



JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.





ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.



PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.



MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken
was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when
the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.



DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.



ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.



JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say
we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That
chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as
that.



GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough.







ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.



BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This
new platform is much more stable and will never crash.



ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?